alittlenews

Me and Reece at Katie's graduation from Auburn Univ. Photo by Katie Cosby.

Last week I wrote a post that I know had some of you worried, especially some who know me pretty well.  I want to assure you that I feel much, much better.  That was one step in a long march to whatever the new normal will be but it seems in retrospect to have been a very necessary step so thank you all for listening.  Last week was a week for really clearing the emotional deck of a lot of questions, dead wood and plain old rot.

Y’all already know about the screaming at God part.  All that stuff was inside and it is now outside.  It felt better to get it out than keep it in.  Then God did one of those things with me that you dread but when you face the reality of where you are you can move on.  He took me for a walk and asked me a few questions.  One of those questions was, “do you love Me more than you love Reece?”  See, before Reece’s death I would have answered that question with a very casual ‘yes.’  Now I understand that I was loving Reece, and not just him but all my children, more than I loved God.  We went through a similar confrontation several years ago when I realized I loved my own life more than I loved God.  So He took me through one of those experiences like He did with Peter by the Sea of Galilee all those years ago.  Not fun, but necessary.

A couple of Paramedic friends took me through a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing (CISD).  It was painful to relive the night of Reece’s death but it cleared my mind of a lot of questions.  Years ago I was an EMT myself so when I was working to revive Reece my mind was completely shredded between the daddy half and the EMT half with each pulling against the other.  Getting all that cleared away helped because they confirmed for the daddy side of my mind what the EMT side already knew, that I could not have done anything more for him than I did.  Believe me when I tell you, that was a tremendous load off my mind and it opened a doorway for peace to come in. I am very grateful.

The other very significant thing that has happened over the last couple of weeks is a family contacted us who lost their special needs son just a few months before Reece died.  They have been a great source of encouragement and we have been able to share some things back and forth that have built one another up.  We also have found a support group for both us and our little children through the Hospice of the Valley.  I don’t know how all that will work but we will see.  The bottom line is that all that we went through last week was actually a healthy step forward.  I just wanted to share a little bit with all of you to let you know I am ok.  Well, at least I am on the road to ok.  I don’t really know what that will look like but I know it won’t be the same as it was before Reece died.

I will leave you with one thought that I am still mulling over and it is something that had never crossed my mind.  The Lord asked me during that walk, did I know that He was under no obligation to give us Reece or any of our children?  I had never considered such a question.  The more I think on it the more grateful that I am to have been given such a great gift.  I would have loved to have had him here longer but I am more grateful than ever to have had him at all.  In fact, I am more thankful than ever to have all the children God has blessed us with.  My sons and daughters have always been very special to me.  Now their lives take on a new significance that I could not have imagined before.  This is Thanksgiving week and I have certainly found a place to give thanks.  It still hurts but the hurt is now tempered by gratitude.

Many blessings to you all.